Som så ofta när man citerar någon inom Engelsk fotboll är risken stor att citatet kommer från Ian Holloway, så också denna gång. Idag på temat “fula segrar”:

“If you’re a burglar, it’s no good poncing about outside somebody’s house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don’t advocate that obviously, it’s just an analogy.”

“I needed some experience as a No 1 (at Portsmouth) or I’d have ended up in the category as an assistant manager and become Steve Clarke for the rest of my life.”

— Tony Adams, om livet i Azerbajdzjan

En liten uppdatering är på sin plats:

“He’ll go bald, lose his teeth and legs, but he’ll always have that technique and touch of a top player.”
Alex McLeish om 36 år unga Kevin Phillips

“I don’t think you’ve got any viewers left. It was an abysmal game to be honest.”
Sunderlands manager Mick McCarthy till TV-reportern som intervjuade honom efter 0-0 mot Stoke

“All I’ll say is that if that penalty decision isn’t harsh then my name is Jock McTavish and I’m going to be an extra in the next Braveheart movie.”
Ian Holloway, numera i Blackpool

“I don’t know Thierry personally but he’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet and he’s probably one of the fairest footballers you’ll ever meet.”
Har Harry Kewell träffat Thierry Henry eller inte?!

“It’s difficult to see if the whistle has gone.”
ESPN:s kommentator under Hull-Chelsea

“Shall we sing a song for you?”
Portsmouth-fansens sång till hemmapubliken på Old Trafford

“Shall we score a goal for you?”
United-fansens svar

“It was disappointing but we just didn’t do enough in the last third. Usually we would expect to score a goal in something like the 96th or 97th minute, and we didn’t do that.”
Gary Neville, Manchester United

“The game is simple: the more times you put the ball in the back of the net, the world is a better place, that’s for sure.”
Gordon Strachan förklarar poängen med fotboll

“Anledningen att folk pratar bakom våra ryggar är för att vi är så långt framför dem”
Jonas Strandell, Hoof It Up

“Do you think West Ham will struggle this season or climb gradually away from safety?”
Gary Lineker, ehh…

“Whether it’s the internet, radio, television, there are always areas of debate, but you have to accept it. The media now has become an absolute monster.”
Stokes manager Tony Pulis är inte rädd för monster under sängen

“Liverpool have got great experience in this fixture.”
Alan Smith om Merseyside-derbyt. Och vi som trodde Everton var lika erfarna…

“It’s like going into a car showroom saying ‘I want that Bentley’, then the salesman tells you it doesn’t have an engine and you say ‘I want it anyway’.”
Bruce Grobbelaar om, tror vi, Alberto Aquilani, på TalkSport

“Domenech is the worst coach France have had since Louis XVI.”
Eric Cantona om Frankrikes förbundskapten

“Am I a racist? I am a desperado and a bad boy and whether in England, France or Senegal, I sell papers. They try to find out things about me all the time. But I am mentally strong and they can’t hurt me. I get booed wherever I go, but I have never let my fans down. I am the leader. El Hadji Diouf is a star whether you like it or not. Everybody knows me.”
El Hadji Diouf sviker aldrig

“I don’t want to go on about money but the wages of their director of football alone are probably five times my playing budget.”
Macclesfields manager Keith Alexander efter matchen mot Notts County

“We made Burton look like Barcelona.”
Morecambes manager Sammy McIlroy efter 2-5-förlusten på Pirelli Stadium.

“Is there anything positive you can say about Everton’s display?”
“Er – it’s not six-nil yet?”
Studiodiskussion på Radio 5 live vid ställningen 0-5

“The management are doing well to keep us away from the media.”
Gareth Barry, Manchester City

“A night without a game of football on television leaves me a little bit disillusioned. England is a good country because it gets dark early in winter, you go home and you’re in an environment where you want to watch television….my wife understands my passion and is ready to pay the price.”
Arsene Wenger

“The fourth official has indicated there will be some extra time.”
Hört i högtalarsystemet i Huddersfield

“Harry Redknapp phoned me and said it’s the 21st century – how long since we put a man on the moon? And yet Fifa won’t let us have cameras on the goalposts?”
Neil Warnock, Crystal Palace, var inte helt nöjd efter “skandalen” i matchen mot Bristol City

“It is impossible for me to explain that to you… it would be a bit like you trying to explain childbirth to me.”
Celtics manager Gordon Strachan när en kvinnlig journalist ber honom sammanfatta matchen mot St Mirren

“The manager has said if I carry on like this they will have to name a stand at Molineux after me. It was nice to hear but they would never fit a name as long as mine on it!”
Wolves-anfallaren Sylvan Ebanks-Blake

“Liverpool are playing 4-4-1.”
Trevor Francis kan ha hittat förklaringen till Liverpools många kryss

“I remember when we used to play against Wimbledon – the team doctor was far busier stitching my players up than I was sitting on the bench.”
Trots det uttalandet tycker Arsene Wenger att motståndarna går för hårt fram mot hans spelare

“It surprised me that they played all the top stars. Disappointed me!”
Coventrys manager Chris Coleman efter mötet med Chelsea i FA-cupen

“In goal for Aston Villa, Brad Pitt.”
En rysk kommentator läser Aston Villas laguppställning

“Yes, Manchester United are the best team in England, but you have to ask how good has the Premier League been since I left? If I was at a top club in England I think the title race might have been a lot closer this year.”
Jose Mourinho är ödmjukhet personifierad

“You tend to wonder if he actually has a left foot.”
Sky Sports kommentator om Pascal Chimbonda

“Arsenal have won their last four matches 0-0.”
Sky Sports kommentator slår till igen!

Mer följer…

Wolverhamptons manager Mick McCarthy har seglat upp som en värdig utmanare till den odödliga citat-mästaren Ian Holloway.

Här följer några av Big Micks bästa citat på senare tid:

“The ref was never going to give us a spot-kick. Plymouth would have needed to grab him, rob him of his clothes and tie him up before he recognised an offence!”
Tveksamt om domaren heller kommer ge Big-Mick några fördelar nästa match

“Don’t even suggest Plymouth is an easy game. Look at it this way. There’s a greyhound going through a field and he sees a rabbit. The rabbit starts running. The greyhound fancies a bit of snap but the rabbit fancies his life. Who runs the hardest? The rabbit, absolutely. That’s been my view on life.”
Så djupt, så vackert

“F**king abysmal, that was what I f**king thought of it. C’mon, let’s get to it, I’m trying my best here. What did I make of it? I thought it was the best bit of f**king football I’ve seen in a long time. Do me a favour. It was a c**p start to a game. There you have it, can you print all that? F**king rubbish, absolute tosh. Drivel. S**te. Bulls**t. That’s what I thought of it. Did that help? I’m quite pleased, apart from the fact that’s given them the poxy result, I’m f**king livid about it – of course I am. So, there you have it.”
Vältaliga Joe Kinnear känner avund efter att Mick McCarthy sammanfattat Wolves 1-0-förlust borta mot Reading (målet redan i andra minuten) med ovan poesi

“There’s two scenarios here. It’s an anagram, isn’t it? If I get promoted I’m a god and if we don’t I’m a dog.”
Man blir rörd när Big Mick gör det otydliga tydligt

“If my wife leaves me, now that’s a crisis. And if she takes the kids with her, that’s even worse!”
Big Mick känner ingen större press av Wolves dåliga form

“Is that the only video they have? We have a lot of other matches to remember – especially ones that ended in penalty kicks.”
Oliver Bierhoff är trött på att svara på frågor om 1-5-förnedringen mot England

“Are you Tottenham in disguise?”
Engelsk läktarramsa under landskampen mellan Tyskland och England

“Stand up if you beat Arsenal!”
Stoke-fansens sång på Old Trafford

“I think I’m 4-1 to get a red card in the tunnel – it would be the fist of Terry Butcher rather than the hand. While we will never forget, it’s not about that game. I haven’t got a Maradona doll that I stick pins in every day, I don’t need psychiatric help.”
Terry Butcher, 22 år efter “guds hand”, vägrar förlåta

“They are a good team on paper, but the game’s never been played on a piece of paper.”
Leyton Orients manager Martin Ling

“I am the first, second and third best player in the world.”
Ronaldo i en intervju med en brasiliansk tidning

“You can’t beat Sinatra. I was actually supposed to have dinner with him one night, but we lost to Charlton so I cancelled it and went home!”
Alex Ferguson om hur han en gång ställde in en middag med sin stora idol

“I used to cramp up a lot as a player but that was mostly after I’d poured 15 pints of lager down my neck and I don’t think Jermain is doing that.”
Tony Adams om Jermaine Defoe’s krampkänningar

“If you can’t pass the ball properly, a bowl of pasta’s not going to make that much difference!”
Harry Redknapp efter att ha släppt på Spurs-spelarnas tidigare diet

“I was in the car with my dad and brother. A kid was walking down the road with a ‘Walcott 32′ shirt on. I put the window down and said ‘I’ve got a shirt like that too’!”
Theo Walcott lever sin dröm

“This is the World Footballer of the Year and his performance tonight in terms of his professionalism, his clowning around, was a disgrace to the game of football. I go back to Pele, Maradona, Best, Charlton, Giles, Law, Keane: would you see Keane do that tonight? No way baby! What they saw tonight was an impersonator, a clown, a self-indulgent idiot.”
Mediaprofilen och före detta irländska landslagsmannen Eamonn Dunphy sågar Christian Ronaldo längs fotknölarna

“They would do really well. I’m sure they would get a point!”
Cesc Fabregas trodde innan en viss 4-4-match att Spurs skulle få det tufft mot Arsenals damlag

“Their goals were just comedy. You’d probably win £250 on Candid Camera for that second one.”
Crystal Palace’ frispråkiga manager Neil Warnock efter en match mot Nottingham Forest

“They score maybe one like that every two months and it is not like a penalty. It is a throw-in and we cannot get obsessed by that.”
Arsene Wenger INNAN matchen mot Stoke

“The game is hard enough at the moment. The Premier League is a physical league, it is fast and furious, and people are going to make tackles. Give red cards for dangerous and malicious tackles where the studs are up, fair enough. It is not a game for women.”
Paul Ince efter att anfallaren Benni McCarthy fått två gula kort, eller två “two nothing offences” som han uttryckte det

“I’m going to a country where I’m adored!”
Maradona inför den stundande resan till Skottland

“I’d like to get another 100 games but me and the missus do the Lottery and if our numbers come up, I won’t be in training on Monday!”
Accrington Stanley-anfallaren Paul Mullin älskar att spela för klubben, men allt har en gräns…

“Does day follow night? I haven’t a clue.”
Neil Warnock efter matchen Crystal Palace-Plymouth

“England’s Plan B is just hit Heskey.”
David Pleat om Englands taktik

“I don’t want to start swearing like Joe Kinnear but to say I was slightly aggrieved would be a posh way of putting it.”
Sunderlands Roy Keane i ett mer politiskt uttalande

“There’s only one Iain Dowie, one Iain Dowie, he’s as ugly as f**k, but he’s taking us up, walking in a Dowie wonderland!”
QPR-fansens skönsång

“For John Terry, to die on the pitch would be glory. You would need to kill him, and maybe even then he’d still play!”
Scolari om John Terry

“Finding the right club is like finding a woman: sometimes you can’t find love, sometimes you can, but it’s still not right, you want more, you want to give, you want to receive. I’m not sure that I would like to be with a woman who is like some of the chairmen I met.”
Eric Cantona i FourFourTwo

 ”The fans sing, yell, and stand up and applaud. They don’t even need goals.”
Roman Pavlyuchenko om Tottenham-fansen 

“We have decided to give him a promotion. He is our new tea boy and he is doing a great job. Robbie has been going around making the tea and that is great to see. I know there will be a lot of people thinking that he is going to be sulking. He is not happy that he is not in the team at the moment. But making the tea with good grace means he is still part of what is going on and that is the most important thing for me.”
Wigans manager Paul Jewell om egna spelaren Robbie Savage som offentligt uttryckt sitt missnöje med att vara utanför startelvan

“The club is a tragedy and it goes from one disaster to another. When they talk about Newcastle being a great club, it’s only great for one reason – because it has great supporters.”
Glenn Roeder efter Kevin Keegans avhopp

“Summan bekräftades inte, men enligt presidenten ska det vara den fjärde största efter Zidane, Figo och Sjevtjenko. Övergången betalas dessutom kontant.”
Fotbollskanalen.se menar alltså på allvar att man lastar ett par resväskor med drygt 400 miljoner kronor och flyger till Madrid?

“I didn’t want to arrive by helicopter because people will say that I’m getting carried away with success, but there was no other way. Otherwise, I would have been late for training.”
Manchester Citys nya stjärna Robinho

“There’s no need to have girls in the team hotel. If you see someone you like, just get her phone number and arrange to go to her house after the game. Then we will have no problems.”
Fd engelska förbundskaptenen Sven-Göran Eriksson, enligt Jamie Carragers självbiografi

“I am only thinking of Chelsea.”
Robinho 48 timmar innan han skrev på för – Manchester City!

“Derby 0-1 Doncaster, that’s Derby 0-1 Doncaster, once more, Derby 0-1 Doncaster!”
Speakern på Walkers Stadium i Leicester ger dagens fotbollsresultat

“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.”
TV-legenden John Motson

“We won the trophy for the most unlucky team last year. Is it a trophy to finish 12th and win the Carling Cup? The real quality of a big club is to fight for the championship.”
Arsene Wenger drar in Tottenham i diskussionerna om de uteblivna pokalerna på Emirates

“Jody Morris claimed he wasn’t involved in porn videos, he was only in Cyprus for the boozing. That’s alright then!”
Ken Bates klassiska försvarstal av notoriska problembarnet Jody Morris

“I always remember my time working at Walthamstow dogs. I picked up glasses at the track. It was my first job and I was so happy to be getting a wage for the first time. It’s a real shame to see it go as it means so much to the area.”
Arbetarpojken David Beckham sörjer Greyhound-banans nedläggning

“Younes Kaboul has decided not to sign for us and we wish him well. I think it might have helped if I had taken him to the casino until four in the morning. What do I mean? You’re intelligent, work it out.”
Sunderlands manager Roy Keane gör det oklara klart

“He has the upper half of a hod carrier and the bottom half of a ballerina.”
Hull Citys ordförandes beskrivning av Dean Windass

“It looked like we’d picked 11 people off the streets and asked them if they fancied a game”
Steve Bruce sågar sitt lag efter en FA-cupförlust mot Sunderland

“I got hit in the nose again – and with the size of my nose I’m surprised they didn’t have to evacuate the Riverside!”
En Robbie Savage-klassiker

“No disrespect but why would he want to go there? They get 6,000 people watching them. They all go out on a Saturday night and get dressed up for dinner, not to watch football.”
Harry Redknapp om Nico Kranjcar’s eventuella övergång till Monaco

“I am what you see. I like to play, I like jokes, but my wife knows me best – get in touch with her.”
Luiz Scolari på sin första presskonferens som blivande Chelsea-manager

“I hope things go well for him at Tottenham, that he gets the minutes he wasn’t given at Barcelona and that he shows what he can do. He is a very good player and let’s hope he can then move on to a better team.”
Arsenals Carlos Vela välkomnar Giovani dos Santos till England och norra London

“The pitch is the same for both sides and if we get the footwear right we will be fine. We are not worrying about that at all.”
John Terry, Chelsea, innan Champions League-finalen

“I don’t want to point the finger at scapegoats but it was definitely Drogba’s fault.”
En anonym Chelsea-supporter intervjuad efter finalen

“Referees in the Premier League as well as big cups come to see me before the matches to tell me ‘today, we don’t dive, eh?’. I would love to reply ‘I’m a footballer, not a swimmer’, but I think they wouldn’t listen.”
Chelseas Didier Drogba

“The man who comes to take care of my piranhas told me that if I left West Ham he would kill all my fish.”
Paulio di Canio

“I don’t follow football, I just love the name Aston Villa. What suburb of Rome is Aston Villa from?”
Skådespelaren Tom Hanks som sin kärlek till Birmingham-klubben Aston Villa

“I must admit I suffered a bit when I first came to England. But then I realised that there was nothing to be intimidated by, everybody had two legs.”
Engelsk fotboll var inte som Liverpools brasilianska mittfältare Lucas förväntade sig

“We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more.”
Ryan Giggs är krävande

“Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin.”
Peter Crouch är beviset för att fotbollsspelare har lättare att få brudar

“It is obvious we need a striker but Fergie is too stubborn to admit it.”
Signaturen Rdz på BBC:s forum tre matcher in på säsongen. Sedan dess har trion Ronaldo, Tevez och Rooney gjort 83 mål tillsammans…

“If Shinawatra thinks that they were going to qualify for a big Cup straight away, then he’s tripping. Eriksson’s given the City fans a lot of pride, he’s a graceful, dignified man. Thaksin seems like a bit of a nutcase. He obviously doesn’t understand football if he’s going to get rid of Eriksson.”
Noel Gallagher (Oasis) tar ställning

“I remember running on to the pitch at The Den when I was a youngster with Leicester in the fifth round of the FA Cup. The place resembled a huge trap, and the venom that hit us from the Millwall fans was unbelievable. I remember thinking to myself, maybe it would be a good idea not to score at this place!”
Gary Lineker minns gamla The Den

“At some other clubs the owners want to pick the team. I know at one club the owner faxes his team to the manager every Saturday morning. Can you believe that?”
Sir Alex Ferguson är chockad att alla klubbar inte har e-post

“There’s only one team in England for me. Everybody knows the love and affection I have for Arsenal. I was so into it, I became a fan.”
Thierry Henry

“I apologise for my mistake, Darren Purse is today’s captain and not Stephen McPhail. Don’t worry, I will personally take whoever is responsible outside and whip them with a wet tea towel.”
Speakern på Ninian Park i Cardiff

“I wonder just how long these four minutes will last?”
Kommentatorn i slutskedet av Sporting Lissabon-Rangers

“I can’t say we are the best in England but I don’t think there is a team stronger than us.”
Chelseas manager Avram Grant

“I have turned into a mental fan now I am not on the pitch … I really need to calm down. People are looking at me and wondering ‘who is that lunatic?’”
Lätt hänt på Old Trafford, Darren Fletcher

“Let’s pretend, Let’s pretend, Let’s pretend we’ve scored a goal YEAAAAAAAAH!”
Derby-supportrarnas sång under 0-6-förlusten mot Aston Villa

We’re gonna win 7-6, gonna win 7-6!”
Derby-supportrarna optimistiska ändå

“I hope it’s true. I would not protest against it. But I don’t know if Ronaldinho wants to play in the InterToto Cup next season.”
Svennis kommenterar medias spekulationer om att Man City är brassens nästa klubbadress

”He’s six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!”
Ian Holloway om Christiano Ronaldo i sin krönika på BBC:s hemsida

”Any team moving from the Second Division to the First Division needs a half million pounds spare to buy new players. The club must also have an average home gate of at least 30,000 because the First Division is in affect two divisions in one: the elite, and the rest who make up the numbers”
Dave Bowen, manager för Northampton Town, 1966, visar att ingenting förändrats på 40 år

“Even when they had Moore, Hurst and Peters, West Ham’s average finish was about 17th. It just shows how crap the other eight of us were”
Harry Redknapp minns sina dagar som spelare i West Ham

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that”
Bill Shankly

“Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys”
Oscar Wilde

“Dani is so good-looking I don’t know whether to play him or f**k him!”
Harry Redknapp

“He cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn’t score many goals. Apart from that he’s all right”
George Best kommenterar då unga stjärnskottet David Beckham

“In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life”
George Best, igen

Mejla gärna in fler citat till oss, eller bifoga dem genom kommentarfunktionen nedan.

“Welcome to the Uefa Euro 2008 Water Polo Tournament.”
ESPN:s kommentator under Schweiz-Turkiet

“Någon snabbis blir det väl.”
Anders Svensson till Expressen apropå spelarnas fridag då de har chans att träffa familj och flickvänner

“They will have to beat both the Netherlands and the Dutch.”
BBC om Frankrikes chanser inför mästerskapet

“Om våra chanser mot Ryssland? Jag säger som landslagsläkaren Anders Valentin när han pratar skador: chanserna är väl 70-70.”
Lars Lagerbäck till Svenska fotbollförbundets hemsida

“Most Passes Completed: Portugal 150%”
Kan man verkligen lita på www.euro2008.com?

“Det skulle vara förmätet av mig att tro att vi ska slå Holland bara för att vi inte förlorat mot dem på 30 år.”
Aftonbladet citetar Italiens förbundskapten Roberto Donadoni

“If a spaceship landed in the centre circle, direct from Mars, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
ITV:s kommentator under den osannolika upplösningen av Tjeckien-Turkiet

“Koller was literally, literally, right up his backside there.”
Andy Townsend under samma match

“We know France are going to have to score if they are going to win this game.”
Zendens sensationella avslöjande inför Frankrike-Rumänien

“Sometimes when you make a mistake at the back you need to make another one to get out of trouble.”
Lee Dixon om Turkiets försvarsspel i matchen mot Schweiz

“As the prime minister I have to be balanced and collected. But last night I was speaking very differently about the whole thing, I wanted to kill.”
Polens Premiärminister efter EM-matchen mot Österrike

“I’d rather have one injured Ibrahimovic than ten Rosenberg on the pitch.”
Trevor Francis efter Sverige-Spanien