» Humor

En arg Ian Holloway om Rooney-cirkusen

Henrik — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 06:54:19 +0000

“They say it’s not fair on the player. Rubbish. The player has had his wages every week. They bought him, they worked with him, he belongs to them. It’s so obvious. The world should change if it’s wrong and football should look at itself.” Klicka här för att se hela videon!

Jim Magilton skallade sin spelare

Jonas — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:24:26 +0000

I dagens nätupplaga av Daily Mail så får vi veta att Queens Park Rangers manager Jim Magilton tydligen skallat en av sina spelare. Klubbens omedelbara reaktion blev att stänga av honom. Allt väl så långt.

Detta är självklart inte det humoristiska i det hela, utan det faktum att den bild som Daily Mail väljer på Akos Buzsaky är, hmm, humoristisk i all sin enkelhet. Den får oss att fundera på: Var i hela friden skallade Magilton sin mittfältare? Vad pysslar en tränare med om han har huvudet i den höjden?

Jag vet inte om det är prov på engelsmännens infantila humor, eller om det är en olycklig omständighet. Roligt blev det i alla fall.

Wikipedia dissar Wolves

Jonas — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:02:04 +0000

Jag brukar med glädje hänvisa kollegor, kompisar och familjemedlemmar till Wikipedia när de har frågor om saker och ting. Alternativt så slår jag upp saker på Wikipedia och pratar sedan om dem som om det vore något jag redan kände till. Mycket vuxet.

Tills nu.

Anledningar för komplicerade att gå in på här (eller för generande) så hamnade jag på Wikipedias sida om sportjournalisten Tommy Engstrand. Sista raden där är obetalbar komik:

Han är en av få svenska supportrar av det engelska fotbollslaget Wolverhampton.

Bittraste supportern någonsin?

Henrik — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:47:00 +0000

På en genant 23:e plats i fjärdedivisionen hittar du Grimsby Town.

Laget är utan seger sedan mitten av september och med Darlington som enda lag bakom sig av 92 klubbar i ligasystemet.

Dessutom kan man ha landets bittraste supporter.

Läs, känn igen dig och njut av nedan supporterpoesi. Sant eller inte så är det i alla fall vackert så man nästan blir tårögd.

- – - – - – - – - -

Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC,

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fúck all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fúcking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

Yours sincerely

A very disillusioned Mariner

Stand up if you…

Gästskribent — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:13:30 +0000

Jag vet inte riktigt, men det känns inte som om fotboll i Dubai någonsin kommer få samma inramning som en regnig tisdag i Stockport. Just sayin’…

På bilden tittar brittiska Lord Triesman på när England träningsspelar mot Brasilien i ett försök att både få VM 2018 och förmå fler från toga-partyt att köpa engelska klubbar.

“Footballers life on Facebook”

Nick — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:38:29 +0000

——————————
Rio Ferdinand: going to hit the Amsterdam cafes before the game, who’s in?
Gareth Barry likes this
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Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown’s friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown’s friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown’s friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown’s friend request
———————————————————————

Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this
—————————————————————————-

Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this
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Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I’ve just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this
——————————————————————–

Sat’day random drinks n’ antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged
—————————————

Ashley C can’t find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Jermaine Jenas likes this
———————————————————————–

Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday
———————————————————————-

Steven Gerrard hopes his ‘groin’ injury clears in time for Sunday z
Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto z
——————————————

Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this
——————————-

Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford – 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.
——————————————————————–

Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram
——————————————————-

Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
————————————————–

Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G – 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard ****** off Lamps

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum
——————————————————————–

Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.
————————————-

Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q
————————————————————

Tomas Rosisky is fit and loving life! can’t wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosisky is depressed
3 days ago
———————————————

Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou
——————————————————————————–

David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this
———————————

Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

———————————-
Rio Ferdinand feels like ain idiot after his mistake tonight 10 mins ago
Dirk Kuyt likes this
————————————
mark hughes sent jolean lescott invitation to join the group ‘Mancity’

invite was rejected

———————————–
Steven Gerrard has created a group, “Court, it’s f*#%Xg easy!”

Eric Cantona does not like this
Joey Barton does not like this

Ronaldo

Henrik — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 07:57:55 +0000

Ytterligare kommentarer överflödiga.

Mikrofonkåt

Henrik — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:06:55 +0000

För en speaker måste balansgången mellan tråkiga korrekta meddelanden och att få ge efter för stundens ingivelse vara svår. Här är några exempel där supportern i speakern onekligen lyser igenom.

I samband med en ligamatch på Broadfield Stadium i Crawley tidigare den här säsongen kunde speakern höras säga följande efter slutsignalen:

”It finishes Crawley Town 2, Woking 2. Be sure to tune in to the Blue Square Premier Review on Setanta next week to see how far offside Woking’s first goal was!”

Efter några märkliga domslut under första halvlek mellan Brentford och Notts County nu i januari vädjade speakern till publiken i halvtid:

”If there are any qualified refs in the ground could they please make their way to the tunnel area?”

Att domaren i fråga var en viss Stuart Attwell behöver egentligen inte tilläggas.

Just domarens insats ligger till grund för många grodor. För ett par år sedan på Deepdale i Preston slank följande sarkastiska kommentar ur speakern:

”And welcome back to the second half of the Uriah Rennie show!”

På Walkers Stadium i Leicester kunde inte speakern, till supportrarnas stora glädje, motstå impulsen att göra sig lustig över rivalerna då han återgav halvtidsresultaten i högtalarsystemet:

“Derby 0-1 Doncaster, that’s Derby 0-1 Doncaster, once more, Derby 0-1 Doncaster!”

Men det finns fler tillfällen då en speaker får tillfälle att underhålla snarare än att informera. Tidigare den här säsongen kunde följande meddelande höras på Bloomfield Road i Blackpool just som himlen öppnade sig och ett kraftigt regnfall drog in över arenan.

“A message to the owner of a Jaguar with registration number ******, you’ve left your sun roof open!”

Också på Abbey Stadium i Cambridge vet speakern att locka fram ett skratt:

”The scorer of Cambridge United’s fourth goal, according to Ceefax because I couldn’t tell who it was, Robbie Wilmott.”

Andra gånger blir det bara ack så fel. Som då Wycombe spelade i FA-cupsemifinal mot Liverpool på Villa Park 2001:

”Please can the Wycombe fans in the upper tier of Holte End stop chucking paper aeroplanes onto the pitch.”

Självklart dröjde det inte länge förrän hela divisioner små pappersflygplan glidflög ner mot Villa Parks gröna gräsmatta.

Eller då Bristol Rovers speaker i en match mot Manchester City presenterade den inhoppande Gary Flitcroft som ”Gary Flip-Flop”. Inte heller här dröjde det länge innan ramsam ”There’s only one Gary Flip-Flop” ekade på läktarplats.

Även i cricket kan ljudsystemet bjuda på små guldkorn. Vad sägs om följande kommentar efter att en streakare tagit sig in på Worchester County Cricket Ground förra säsongen?

”I’m very sorry for that small, AND I MEAN SMALL, interruption!”

Högtalarsystemet kan användas till så mycket mer än att påminna om rökförbud, läsa upp motståndarnas laguppställning och meddela slutresultat som ingen jävel bryr sig om. Faktiskt.

Har du hört några oförglömliga högtalarmeddelanden? Dela med dig!

City och Kaka i samtal

Henrik — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:27:51 +0000

Nyligen avlyssnades ett telefonsamtal mellan en representant för Manchester City och den åtråvärda Milan-spelaren Kaka.

Tyvärr kan endast City-representanten ord återges.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

“Hello, is that Kaka? How do you fancy becoming the supply line to Craig Bellamy and Darius Vassell this winter?”

“No, your fellow countryman doesn’t like the cold and will be out until mid-April – but you will play alongside Stephen Ireland.”

“No, Kaka, Ireland is a person not a country.”

“Yes, I fully appreciate that he is not Ronaldinho, Pirlo or even Beckham but many fans have him in their fantasy football.”

“I know you are currently the richest man in Italy but we can double it!”

“Erm, well, we have had a bit of a slide recently and we are currently 15th.”

“Erm, out of 20… but Mark Hughes once won the double for our neighbours.”

“Hughes.”

“Ex Blackburn boss.”

“Blackburn, Blackburn Rovers.”

“No, Blackburn… Black… burn.”

“HUGHES man, HUGHES!!!”

“He once scored a good goal against Spain.”

“No, that’s Gerry Armstrong… anyway, are you coming or not?”

“Usually about two thirds full but if we play a big team its really rocks.”

“Yes I know, but we don’t even have a car park coos all the fans walk to the ground, they are so local.”

“Relevance? well, I suppose its all they have to brag about whether its true or not.”

“Only the one to be fair but its called ‘blue moon’, you will love it.”

“Blue.”

“Yes, definitely blue, always has been.”

“No, no, no, they are in Trafford.”

“Yes they are, steeped in it in fact but what good is history to you my ambitious friend?”

“Erm, 1976 I think.”

“It was the, er, the er League cup if memory serves me right.”

“Well, the plan was to get in the top 4 this season and then…”

“Yes, I realise that but…”

“Aston Villa? What’s it got to do with them?”

“Yes, I know but we have been down this history route already.”

“How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know about Nottingham Forest?”

“Yes, yes, and Leeds United also made a final but you are missing my point, this is all about the future.”

“Give me strength… HUGHES!!!!”

“Yes I know he did and he was a legend there but he is a changed man.”

“Forget them, they are falling apart.”

“But all those trophies were won last year! They have won nothing in 2009.”

“I have told you… 1976!!!”

“How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know that Virginia Wade has won Wimbledon since then?”

“Yes she probably is in her 60′s.”

“I don’t know, probably about 10 league titles, 2 European cups and countless domestic cups what has that got to do with it?”

“76,000 why?”

“Yes, every game, even minor cups I suppose, but where is this getting us?”

“Yes, the League Cup is considered a minor cup over here, why?”

“I know, I know, I know, ok perhaps they won the FA Cup in 1970 or something, does it really matter?”

“Look, Kaka, we will treble whatever you are on now, buy you a mansion in Alderley Edge and give you a helicopter for your front lawn… are you joining us?”

“NO! Its owned by the council – what has the ground got to do with anything?”

“Well, officially its the City of Manchester Stadium, but most people call it Eastlands.”

“EAST!, not Waste.”

“You will be adored there.”

“No, not there, here I meant.”

“No, that’s Old Trafford, I meant adored here at Waste… erm, Eastlands.”

“Anderson? what does he know?”

“Ok I hear what you say, but other than pride, ambition, achievement, history, passion and a large car park – what can they offer you?”

“What do you mean no credit left in your phone… I phoned you!”

“Hello, Mr Kaka… Mr Kaka are you there…?”

What a waste

Nick — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 13:50:01 +0000

Ta en titt på denna video, FC Uniteds fans visar alla supportergrupper som tappat sin förmåga att blanda humor, sång och ironi hur det ska gå till: